The implications of "What I Wish Someone Told Me About Having Sex"

Most of the time when I am writing, I am doing it for school or for work. However, every once in a while I will find something that sparks a passion and inspires me. When this happens, I am unable to complete anything until I have worked through my complicated web of thoughts and emotions, and I do this best by organizing, or expressing, them on paper. That is how most, if not all, of my personal writing comes about. That is what happened when I watched this video that is going viral on facebook:

What I Wish Someone Told Me About Having Sex
Posted by SOML on Sunday, October 25, 2015

After I watched this video, I knew I wanted to write a blog about it for this class, but very personal emotions and memories kept getting in the way of my words and thoughts, and showing through my school work in ways I didn't want it to. So, I wrote a pretty long, really personal piece that I think expresses my emotions and memories in a way that might help you understand why this topic is so important to me. I attached it to a page on the right side titled "Sex Talk."

Since sex, sexuality, sexualization, feminism, and womanhood (in real life, as well as media steryotypes) are topics covered in depth in class, and ones close to my heart, I want to use the video to help express some of the concerns I have about the modern sex culture that surrounds us.


The video starts out with:

 "I thought I knew everything there was to know about having safe sex: always carry a condom and never ever get pregnant."

I thought this was important because the rest of the narrative points out the truth, that sex is more than a physical thing, it causes emotions, and closeness and complications.

She goes on to say, "people love to talk about how to avoid STI’s of the physical kind, but nobody likes to talk about the STI’s that can destroy your mind. The ones that can have you tossing and turning at 3 a.m., raking your brain and constantly wondering: “was I not good enough for him? Was this just supposed to be a one time thing?” Or my favorite one, “How could I be so stupid, enough to let him in.” 

These are same questions I have asked myself in the past, in the same circumstance as the speaker, when I thought that sex, our relationship, my feelings or reputation meant more to someone else then it did - and it is both my fault, and his fault. He wasn't taught that sex meant something. He heard the same thing I did: for women sex is full of emotions, and for men sex is meaningless and about pride. The problem with this is, it is not true. If sex wasn't emotional for men then the sex epidemic in America wouldn't be an issue, because men wouldn't be sexualizing women and children, or committing sexual crimes for the thrill of an emotion. Sex is emotional for men too, and because we have coached men their entire lives to feel powerful, and detached, and to not have to communicate or feel "girly" emotional about sex or intimacy, they have instead adopted a twisted view of sex and sexual roles, and often leave women hurt, abused, broken-hearted, and confused. We need to teach our boys to talk about sex as much as women, and embrace their feelings as much as women,o that they stop hurting others, or building up so much sexual tension that they hurt someone.


She continues on with, “my sister always told me that my body was a temple, so never let a man in that doesn’t take the proper time to worship you. Because you are a goddess that is truly worth sacrificing for, and I only wish that I had taken the time to listen to her more often, but instead I chose to listen to YOU." 

This is a really powerful quote to me because it is very true. Nobody told me this. My mom told me that I needed to love someone before I chose, and she told me that losing my virginity was important because you could only pick one guy, but she never stressed to me that I needed to choose someone who truly did see that I was a goddess, and a gift, and also someone I saw this way. We need to be having our talk with this children, especially men.

The she captures what it feels like to be left by someone who was never taught the value of another persons feelings, especially a man who feels that women are too emotional, while he is truly hiding from his complex emotions:

“Then deception turned into a matter of perception, and everything started to feel like 50 questions, except at the end of the day I was still left guessing, and this asshole kept testing my patience. But my momma said patience is a virtue, and you said baby I’d never want to hurt you, but you did."

“You fucked me over and left me impregnated with your bastard babies called, memories. It was all fun and games when I let you up in me, but now you wont even take joint custody. It took all but two texts to get you through my door, but let me text you about some child support.”

Here she brings up a good point.. It is so easy to get men into our beds, because men are taught that sex is power or a status to maintain. I wonder how our men would be acting if we were teaching them that for men and women both, sex is emotional and important, and that both women and men deserve the same amount of sexual recognition.

She then boldly declares, “I will never let myself be reduced to some 2 a.m. whore, creeping out of windows and sneaking through back doors. I will never let myself be reduced to some side chick, just another side dish at the kitchen table for you to pick at while you wait for your main entrée, to just being your other bitch."

I think the implications of this are important. What derogatory name do we call men who another man's wife is sleeping with? There are hardly any. But for a woman, there are so many derogatory and disgusting terms that sexualize and objectify women. This quote was important because men are never talked about like this, and are hardly seen in this light. What have we done wrong? And what can we do to fix the problem? We need women to be thought of as sexually independent and powerful as men, or men will continue to hurt and abuse women.

She finishes with, “I am a person. I have feelings and emotions that have a right to be protected, and just having a vagina and two tits should not make me any less deserving of your time, or someone to be disrespected. So if you are going to choose to be with her, over me: well, I guess you have to do what’s best then. And, I guess I just wish that we had taken the time to use both mental and physical protection, and had a conversation about what this all really meant, before we had sex.”

The ending to this is a perfect ending. She covers that her feelings and emotions have a right to be protected, just the same as any male. She points out something that I think is very important to clarify: it is okay if a man wants to leave a woman, or a relationship doesn't work out after consensual  sex. However, it is not okay that men deliberately scheme, lie, and hurt women to achieve the goal of sex. It is not okay for anyone to be doing this. That is why mental and physical protection is key, and parents and adults in the lives of children need to be raising a generation of sexually respectful and responsible people.